So New Goal

I feel like things are much more accomplishable when you have a goal you are working towards. So I have a goal! Go me! (Insert round of applause here). 

My goal: to blog about something every day for a year. Starting January 4th. 2011 and going until January 4th, 2012. I will post every day. 

I cannot promise they will all be good posts, but I can promise there will be something. 

Jessica

Wow

Ok, so it's been a couple days since I've posted, and boy has it been an eventful couple of a days. 


First and foremost, Happy New Year! It's finally 2011, and boy am I glad for it. I hated, with a passion, 2010, and now I can finally get my life moving with the New Year. It's another chance for us to get it right. Here's to getting it right in the New Year!


In other news, an old flame has recently come back into my life. If you had told me a couple of months ago that I would be "back" with this person, in any sense of the word "back", I would probably laugh in your face. It would have been the funniest thing I had ever heard in my life. I'd be biting my tongue now though, because I'd be so terribly, terribly wrong. We aren't together in a dating sense, we're just together when we feel like it. It is so weird, but at the same time exhilarating. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm breaking the Rules of Life. It makes me feel adventurous, and not like myself at all. At the same time, though, it scares me senseless. What if I start liking him again? Like for real? I can't even think about that happening, because it scares me too much. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 


I also reconnected with an old friend this past week. We met for lunch one afternoon, and it was nothing less than incredibly awkward. We had a falling out back in September, and all through lunch no one acknowledged the fight. I don't know how she feels, but in order for me to fully move on, I needed some kind of closure. Instead, we just pretended like nothing had happened and talked about normal stuff. When I left though, I had an unsatisfactory feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't think I'll talk to her again, to be honest. So it was more of a good-bye lunch, at least from my perspective. 


Only 14 more days until I am back "home" at school in the city. It can't come fast enough, by my book. 


Now I am signing off to devote my full attention to Pineapple Express, a great movie, if you ask me. 


"Let's roll man, I'm done with the woods. Let's get outta here..."
Jessica

My Life as an 80's Movie

So we've all seen Sixteen Candles haven't we? Everyone who has knows that famous moment, when Molly Ringwald exits the church and there's Jake, looking all sexy leaning against his red car. Then Jakes takes Molly back to his place, and they have that over the birthday cake kiss, and Molly says all her wishes have come true. Scenes like this one happen all the time in 80's movies. Patrick Dempsey rides off in the sunset on the lawnmower. John Cusack holds up the boom-box. Molly Ringwald gets the Bad Boy. 


So my conclusion of the day? I want that "defining 80's scene" in my life. Just once. 


I don't need a Jake to pick me up when I'm feeling depressed, but I would like someone to give me my moment in the spotlight. He doesn't have to be Jake looks-worthy, but he does have to care about me like Jake cared about Molly. 


I have a person in mind, to be my 80's man. But I know that that won't happen. He isn't the type of person to pull a thing like that. Also, I don't really know where we stand. But if there is any type of higher power who can grant me just this one wish, please let it be this. You know who he is, so please work whatever magic you have to grant me this. If there isn't a high power, well then I guess I'm SOL. 


Another, less important, conclusion I came to today is that I will never again got to any mall the day after Christmas. I had to return ONE item today. ONE! It took me at least 25 minutes to just park my car, and when I finally found a spot it was in the middle of nowhere. Now, it was pretty cold today, we are currently in the middle of a blizzard right now actually. So you can imagine my displeasure at having to walk that far in the freezing cold. Then, once I got into the store I needed, I made a beeline for the department I needed. Once there, it took me another 10 minutes to find someone ot help me. Then, it took them about 15 minutes to give me a gift card with the money on it. 


So that brings the grand total of my trip to.....drumroll please: 50 minutes. For ONE item! Ridiculous. 


Hope Y'all Had a Happy Holiday Yesterday!


Get Back At Ya Later, 
Jessica

Boredom is the Best...Not :/

I feel like there should be something to do at all times, for those of us who have nothing better to do. Surfing the internet is fun and all, but after a while it just makes you realize how sad and alone you actually are. StumbleUpon can't talk back to, Facebook can't make any of your "friends" hang out with you. If they could, my goodness how entertaining life would be. 

So that is the series of events that has led me here tonight. All my friends are loser boys who just want to hole up and play video games all night long. Leaving me here, ranting and raving to a bunch of non-existent people over the internet. I know Christmas Eve is tomorrow and I should be relaxing and preparing for the holiday, but I am antsy. I can't sit still, and I just want to get out and go. Is that too much to ask? 

In other news, I think I have discovered a truth about life. You know how some people hurt themselves? They feel the pain and it brings them some sense of...well something. I'm pretty sure everyone is different. Anyways, I don't self-harm, but I think I have another vice to bring me pain: People. Some people will always reject you, no matter what time of year, what you have to say, anything. Nothing matters, they will always push you away. And you know what? It will always hurt. And that sucks. It never gets any better, the pain. That, however, is not what I am here to talk about. I know that a particular person will reject me. Let's call him Green. Here's a little background on Green. 

Green and I dated, like forever and a half ago. Can I run away from him like I so desperately want to? No. He is friends with my friends, and at the most random times, my friends feel the need to bring him up. "Remember the time Green and I got high and then did stupid shit?" or "Remember what Green did at so-and-so's house? Good times..." Except, OH YEAH, I don't remember, because I WASN'T THERE! And why wasn't I there, because Green is who he is, and makes this impossible. So, me being me, I try to get to the bottom of why Green wants nothing to do with me, ever. So I text him, to apologize for any wrong I might have done him at any point in my life. Does this work? No, because Green is a DB. He "accepts" the apology, then goes right back to doing stupid shit. 

I definitely knew this was the response I was going to get, because I know Green. He is stubborn as all hell, and won't budge on what he thinks. So I knew there was no way in hell I was going to get any reaction other than complete and total humiliation and disregard. Does it hurt any less when it happens though? No. So I must have been asking for it, right? I had to be. There is no way I didn't go into this knowing I would get hurt. 

So anyways, that's enough of my lunatic ranting. I shall report back tomorrow, hopefully, and with better news. 

Merry Day Before Christmas Eve, 

Jessica 

Holidays Can Suck It

Ok, so the Holidays are supposed to a time when everyone gets together and confesses their love for each other and are generally all-around happy. 


With that in mind, let me make my next statement: I HATE the Holidays. 


I hate forced family time, and having to sit around smiling and laughing at things that aren't funny. This year is going to be especially hard, I can already tell. So much drama is going on at home that I can't, even for one day, just forget about it and pretend like we're One Big Happy Family. I mean, hello people, wake up already! My brother is on the verge of being sent to jail, my mother blows her child support money on material possessions to make herself feel better, and I am miserable at home. All I can think about is getting back to school, getting out of this house and away from these people. Honestly, and this is going to sound very shallow of me, I am only looking forward to presents on Christmas. How sad is that? I used to love my family, and family holidays. Now, not so much. Everyone looks at us like we're the problem side of the family. And you know what? I kind of look at my family like that too. And I hate being grouped with them. All I want to do is point and say: "No! Don't judge me with them! I'm not like them!" 


So yeah, not going to be a fun Christmas this year. Like at All. 


AND:: I have been sort-of talking to a person who should not be even on my radar anymore. I blame being home, and being in a shitty mood. I am depressed, and in need of feeling good about myself. Or, as it turns out to be more like, I need someone who will make me feel like shit. That way, I can blame them for everything that's going on. I do this myself, I know I do. Some people cut themselves, or deprive their body of food, just so they can feel pain, or hurt themselves. Me? I go to people who I know will only reject me and then make me feel awful about myself. I guess we all have our vices that aren't good for us. 


Hope Your Holidays are Happier Than Mine.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble

I've heard somewhere that the size of your handwriting correlates to the amount of self-esteem a person has. I have really small handwriting, does hat mean I have really low self-esteem? If I had to guess I would say yes, because I know how much self-esteem I have. Pretending has become a hobby of mine, and I do it well. Unless alcohol is involved. Then bring on the beer tears people. 


Anyways, I decided to start writing here because of something that happened last night. I was on chat roulette, which I'm sure everybody knows about, and if you don't consider yourself lucky. I positioned the computer so that only my friends were in the picture because hello, no one would want to stay chatting if the first thing they saw was a fat girl. Anywho, we got these guys, total DBs but hey, that's half the fun of CR. So the guys commented on how there was only one white girl in the frame, my friend K. And then K said no, that I was there. I put my hand into the screen and before my face was even in the frame they began the judgement. 


"Oh, but that one's arm looks particularly chubby....oh yep, she is." 


Ok, so I weigh more than I should, for my age and height. What if I'm comfortable in my skin? You don't have to be an ass about it. Also, you don' t have to make me feel like shit in front of my friends who don't have weight problems. You're the type of people that cause people with insecurities to develop complexes. How does that make you feel, big men and women on campuses? Are you proud? Does it help you sleep at night? 


Well let me tell you something. Making fun of other people does not take away issues you have with yourself. At the end of the day, you're still you. You still have to deal with your problems. You still have to live with yourself. I hope you can live with yourself knowing what you may do to other people. I hope you can sleep at night. 


As for me, I couldn't sleep for the life of me last night.  What those boys said kept running through my head, preventing sleep from coming to me. I woke up this morning, after a mere three hour nap, with a new outlook on life. So I don't like myself, so what? I can change myself, or I can learn to love myself for what I am. I'm working on both, and it's a slow process, but it's coming along. As for all of you who don't like me, keep reading to find out exactly what I think about you. 


Peace Out, 
Jessica